—The great Topo Chico crisis originated in the central mountains of Mexico. The worldwide caffeinated soft drink cartel, Coca Cola, which had for years flooded bars, restaurants, and grocery stores with the sparkling mineral water in distinctive glass bottles, has now cut back on supplies, leaving addicts roaming the streets in search of their next Ranch Water hit (Tequila Blanca, lime, and Topo Chico in a tall Collins glass with ice).
—The coincidence of the Iran Military Adventure and the closing of the Strait of Hormuz have fermented speculation about a connection between the Trump Administration’s latest round of bloody diplomacy and the Topo Chico crisis. Nonetheless, impartial observers doubt that Trump would care about a Ranch Water shortage. Insiders suspect that Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo’s warning about the purchasing power of the 663 million inhabitants of Latin America may have aggravated the crisis. After all, an average of three bottles purchased by each inhabitant would drink up the equivalent of the entire quantity of Topo Chico produced in 2025.
To provide perspective, the Topo Chico shortage has driven on-line prices up five times the 2025 price for a 12oz bottle. A bottle of Topo Chico now costs more than a gallon of regular gasoline. Economists worry about the impact of these price increases on inflation rates. And when they worry about something bad happening, something bad usually happens, though often not the thing they had worried about.
—The actions of the Coca Cola cartel have not escaped the attention of the Trump Administration. Secretary of War and Petro Plunder, Pete Hegseth, is hinting about a pre-emptive strike targeting a 7-Eleven at South of the Border in Dillon SC responsible, according to Pentagon intelligence, for massive sales of Coca Cola Big Gulps to children.
—Moreover, in a terse press release, BS Barbie announced that the president would address this issue on Truth Social (A.K.A. Lies Continual). He has used a Sharpie to circle the headquarters of Topo Chico on a map of Little Mole Mountain in Monterey, Mexico. He may decide to send in paratroopers. An anonymous official identified only as SM suggested that illegal aliens were hoarding truckloads of Topo Chico and taking them back to Mexico as hostages. He urged that they be seized at the border and brought back to America.
The Greg Abbott administration in Texas identified the true victims of the Topo Chico crisis as the residents of the state that would have to forego their beloved Ranch Water. The Ranch Water tradition, they say, began to extend the life of a Margarita by adding Topo Chico to the glass. It then evolved into the defining drink of West Texas. The state is asking for federal relief.
—A bleak reality may force Ranch Water drinkers to revert to the old practice of saltlick-shot-lime as practiced in high-end Mexican border bars such as the Cadillac Bar in Nuevo Laredo and Barbocoa La Maderna in Piedras Negras. The addict shakes salt on the back of the hand, licks it off, downs a shot of Tequila, and sucks on a slice of lime. We can only hope that direct action will break the grip of the Coca Cola cartel on the supply of Topo Chico and restore the Ranch Water trade balance.
—S. W. Hermansen has used his expertise in econometrics, data science and epidemiology to help develop research databases for the Pentagon, the National Institutes of Health, the Department of Agriculture, and Health Resources and Services. He has visited premier vineyards and taste wines from major appellations in California, Oregon, New York State, and internationally from Tuscany and the Piedmont in Italy, the Ribera del Duero in Spain, the Barossa Valley and McLaren Vale in Australia, and the Otego Valley in New Zealand. Currently he splits time between residences in Chevy Chase, Maryland and St. Armand’s Circle in Florida.
—Rich Hermansen selected has first wine list for a restaurant shortly after graduating from college with a degree in Mathematics. He has extensive service and management experience in the food and wine industry. Family and friends rate him as their favorite chef, bartender, and wine steward. He lives in Severna Park, Maryland.
